Absence makes the heart grow fonder

I agree.

Nobody knows it but me

Wish I told her how I feel,
Maybe she'd be here right now...

I pretend that I'm glad you went away
These four walls closing more every day
And I'm dying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
And I'm crying inside
And nobody knows it but me

Why didn't I say the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a-tumblin' down
I can say it so clearly but you're nowhere around

The nights are lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm trembling inside
And nobody knows it but me (yeah)

I lie awake, it's a quarter past three
I'd scream out at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is calling you
And nobody knows it but me

How blue can I get?
You could ask my heart
But like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn all apart
A million words couldn't say just how I feel
A million years from now you know I'll be loving you still

The nights are lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

Tomorrow morning
I'm hittin the dusty road
Gonna find you where ever
Ever you might go
And I'm gonna unload my heart
And hope you come back to me

Say when the nights are lonely
The nights are lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

The nights are lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

The nights are lonely the days are so sad and
I just keep thinking about the love that we had
And I'm missing you
And nobody knows it but me

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Think these says all that I'm currently experiencing right now...

Happy!!! but scared...

SUCCESS!!! The performane at West Mall is finally over... and it was a huge success. First was the kungfu hustle dance and though it might look funny, at least the audience did not laugh. Thanks audience!!

After that was our performance and guess what? My two girls were excellent! Did not make any major screw-ups and that's great.. I would give them at least 8 out of 10, cos' that's their first major performance.

Blah... blah... blah... blah... blah...

PERFORMANCE IS FINALLY OVER!! Did some clean-up and went for dinner, twice, at Bukit Batok and at Boon Lay. After that we went to West Coast to have kinda mini-celebration where we climbed 'the pyramid". I must say she's got great determination to push herself on even though she's afraid of heights. Good job! Well, think my mood really lightened up a lot... perhaps is the person that I'm in contact with? Haha... but a bit aftaid too, cos' she seem quite close with another guy, but it's like it really hurts when they're talking.

OK, you can say that it is the sour grape syndrome but still, no matter you like it or not, you will listen to what she's saying. And since I'm typing all these out, I'm not afraid to let her know. (yeah, she has this address now) Somehow I do really feel that my mood really revolves around her... and I really get excited when I get to talk to her, even though I hide it in me :) well what can I say, I have the 'huan(4) de(2) huan(4) shi(1)' feeling right now, even though she keeps telling me not to think too much... but it's not something you can control, it just comes to you naturally.

I'm really scared that it will be too late when I make my move, but it's also too early (I feel) to tell her right now...

Greatest reward for the day

Shifted stores today, started from 3.30pm till around 7pm, and from 10pm till 11pm... After all that, I rewarded myself with a Barcardi Breezer (peach-flavoured, cost only $3.95) and a cold shower just now...

Feeling great man! Seriously, think today's one of my best days, perhaps is because of that drink? Muahaha...

Busy days to come...

Guess I will not have any extra time to blog for these few days to come... my logistics stuff will soon hit me wave by wave... have to really plan my time.

For today, sent out some flyers for the upcoming display this coming Saturday. Did the sending till like 5.30pm(started around 4pm ^_^) and had dinner with my chairperson ( as what she always emphasised) and then went for training... for the kungfu hustle dance again... Well not too bad, but realised that I kinda developed some kind of tendency to say or speak something when I do not mean it. Then went to Canteen 2 for dinner and... I have something to confess... I did "it" again. Don't ask what is it. Those close to me would know.

OK, I'm sorry for not keeping to my promise, but sometimes when things get too difficult, I tend to do something real stupid. Yeah, you can say that those are excuses, but when I'm really bleeding inside, anybody knows?

"I carry a smile when I’m broken in two
And I’m nobody without someone like you
I’m trembling inside
And nobody knows it but me"

Taken from Tony Rich Project: Nobody Knows It but Me

Think these few lines are enough to describe me. As time passes by, I'm feeling more and more forlorn and getting colder and colder inside, but it's like, how did I have that feeling in the first place? Hmmm... I really wonder.

"You may have forgotten about the times and words that you may have spoken, but one thing remains clear in your mind, no matter how hard you try to forget. That is the first time that the both of you have spoken to each other."

Feeling great

Mood: Neutral

Went for a jog close to 1am... yeah sounds moronic and stupid but well, at least I made it to the Canteen A bus stop before stopping. Damn shagged when I came back hall, but this jog really make me ponder: Is it true that to gain something, you have to sacrifice something of equal value? For me, I had to sacrifice my physical tiredness to gain a peace of mind and get rid of the still-stinging pain in my heart.

Perhaps it's true, cos' when I'm physically tired all my sadness are literally forgotten, having to concentrate on pushing my body to keep running although being tormented by body aches and a not-so-good-condition ankle. Anyway, feeling tired already... think gotta sleep by 2.15am... ZZZzzz

Songs that are my favs

一天一万年

不敢在夜里想你 想到人无法入睡

看著镜子里的脸 颓废却挂著眼泪 分明痛了又忍不住笑了

好吧试著让自己贪杯 试著摇啊晃啊一整夜

以为将自己弄的很累 老天就不会让你出现

我想你的每一天 强过在人间的一万年

我疾飞几千几万个光年 寻找一个叫永远的终点

我想你的每一天 强过在人间的一万年

我流浪在春来秋去之间 却将整个寒冬 塞进了心里面

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
普通朋友

等待 我随时随地在等待 做你感情上的依赖

我没有任何的疑问 这是爱 我猜

你早就想要说明白

我觉得自己好失败 从天堂掉落到深渊 多无奈

我愿意改变 (what can I do?) 重新再来一遍

(just give me change) 我无法只是普通朋友

感情已那么深 叫我怎么能收手

但你说 I only want to be your friend 做个朋友

我在你心中只是just a friend 不是情人

我感激你对我这样的坦白 但我给你的爱暂时收不回来

So I 我不能只是be your friend

I just can't be your friend no,no,no,

我不能只是做你的朋友 不能只是做普通朋友

PS: David Tao rocks!!!

Sour Grape Syndrome

Felt damn moronic... went to hang up some banners and on the way, saw SOOOOOO many couples flirting with each other... same when I came back to campus... STOP THE FLIRTING!!! If you all are so desperate, go do it behind closed doors!

Anyway, went down to the tracks for some jogging to sweat it out and surprisingly, it actually lightens up my mood. Was quite moody today, cos' is the seventh day, but after the jog, I actually felt much better. Hmmm... maybe I should go for runs more often, especially when I'm downcast.

Then did some performance stuff, and managed to coordinate quite decently. Well, one thing for sure, I think I better tell my family and friends not to come, as I seriously will have trouble facing them after that dance... haha

Damned day.

Firstly. Be prepared, whoever is reading this blog, for expletives that will spew out down here.

Ok. Here goes

I do not know what the fuck has happened to me today. Things just seem not to fall into place where I wished to be. For example. This morning I called for a meeting at 9.30am. Guess what? He kinda just woke up, saying that he couldn't make it in time. Never mind. Then, at 10am sharp. Only saw him and another of my sub-com. The rest couldn't make it in time. Fine. The best part? Two fucking morons had something on and they don't even bother to inform me.

Later in the day. We had to do some routines for the performance at West Mall, namely the Kungfu Hustle dance. Quite fun, but when it comes to more training at night, those morons either do not understand english or completely not bothered what the chairperson is speaking.

Then, when it comes to practising the personal routines, I had to wait till I could actually fall asleep for the 2 girls to finish their stretching. No, I'm not blaming them, but maybe they're the catalyst for my fustrations to explode.

TODAY IS A SUPER FUCKING (*100) BAD DAY FOR ME!!!

I don't care if my image changes if anyone sees this.

BECAUSE THIS IS THE REAL ME!!!

Yes, life is beautiful. But, why am I unable to see the beauty of it? Am I blind to the beauty or is it that I do not deserve to enjoy and appreciate the beauty?

I wish to treasure her in my heart. But she's emotionally dead! So tell me how to get myself out of this shit? Like what she said, don't think too much? Or do I still try to be the revival of her emotions? Should I or should I not? Best thing is, IT'S FUCKING NEARING THE EXAMS!!!

True, by Ryan Cabrera

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
that you belong with me

you might think
I don't look
but deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm

I'm weak
it's true
cause I'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
cause my heart keeps falling faster

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
i'ts time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

you don't know
what you do
everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you meant me!

[Chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
the way that's true

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

Emotionless

How do you cure someone who is emotionally dead? By waiting for the person for an even longer period of time
or to provide the revival of the person's heart. And let the person know that, although he may not be able
to give all, but within his means he will try his best to cheer her up and let her know that on this world,
there is still someone who treasures her and is willing to go all out, just because she's the special one.

Or should I actually, like what she said, just remain as platonic friends and not to think anything further than
that? So many choices, so many heart-wrenching decisions to be made. After all, I don't want things to go haywire
and eventually be too awkard for both parties to even say hi.

HELP!!! WHAT SHOULD I DO??!!

Pain...

Ouch!!! Just had a fall just now... stupid slippery slope.. Think today's screwed up, couldn't get anything right.

First of all. Logic Lab sucks. Apparently I did not understand any shit what MUX and DEMUX is and in the quiz I had to fill up the truth table. Damn.

Secondly. Maths quiz sucks. Had to throw dice for 80% of the questions. Think will buang Maths.

Thirdly. My long overdue Lab 3 was a total disaster. No test result. The code itself sucks.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME??? Am I too distracted with other stuffs or just that this week is too heavy-going for me? Think want to find time to go chiong and really let out the devil in me... :)

Busy..

Very soon I will be damn busy liao... the Wushu display is coming up next Saturday (26/2) and prior to the event will be time for SG.. no not Singapore, but sai(2) gang(1).Shitwork.

Anyway, wasn't in the mood for blogging, someone close to me left me forever, so yeah, I'll be praying for her for peace. Well that's all, don't wish to say anything more... perhaps I also need to pray for myself too..

Jazz is cool

Suddenly had this want of getting exposed to jazz, and guess what? It's really nicer than some of those techno or clubbing music... hmmm... well guess I can make do with this change in genre of music for the start of the new year.

And one belief that I've always held close to my heart:

If the person you care is happy and contented, you yourself will be contented. For me, that's all I need to know. It doesn't matter if the other party knows or not. You just need to know it yourself.

Sexless chicken story(thanks to Ad)

When the egg hatches, it becomes a chick which after a year, it'll decide if it wants to be a female or a male..A female chicken is called " pullet " and a male chicken is called " cockerel ".. so the chick has been sex less all along..wahahha..wat happens to a chick who cant decide wat gender it wants to become, so maybe "in betweens ?" or if the chick wants to become a female but it happens to grow the so called " male crown " on its head..then it'll be a female trapped in a male.. So is it male or female?

Reflections

So many things happened just within one day... realised that one of my close relatives will be leaving me for good, and that struck me real bad. It seems to me how fragile life is, you can be alive and kicking for one minute and God knows how would you be the next minute. There are so many things unfufilled and accomplished, yet you have to go, regardless of whether you are willing or not.

And this brings me to the next realisation: So long as you are alive, nothing is impossible. Live life to the fullest and not have any regrets with each passing day.

A brand new me

Saturday, 12 Feburary, 2005

Well think today's one of my best days, cos' now I've really kept my resolution of less crapping and talking cock. New experience for me, kinda not used to it, but guess it'll be a part of me in the days to come.

Overall for the day: Satisfactory.

Kites...

Wow... now I see one big kite flying around me...

Never realised how exhilarating the experience is...

hmm... maybe the wind's big, good... can go fly kite, anybody wish to join me?

Just make sure that my last bus is not gone with the wind... lucky me for tonight :P

Struggling...

Here I am, outside LT 5 facing my laptop and doing my java lab 1 where I'm supposed to be doing my lab 3. Stupid? NO. Because I need lab 1 for lab 3 and guess what? My lab 3 is due on Monday (V-Day) and the best part is that my lab 4 test is due the very next day... HELP!!! Can a kind soul save this poor lamb that is lost?

*PIAK PIAK*

OEI!!! Wake up! Stop dreaming.. and get back to reality.


(>o<)

Some lessons learnt...

One VERY interesting lesson learnt during this period.. always treasure those who are close to you and not take them for granted, because you will never know when they will leave you. This applies to me too, so people who have access to this blog can compare the daily me in person and the "me" in this blog, hopefully the differences are observable :)

As for being the real person that I really am, I'm quite sad to say that in fact, I am living under a mask where people see the happy side of me for most of the time... that is unhealthy, but no choice...

Happy 3rd day of Lunar New Year!!!

New Year Resolutions

1st and foremost: Stop bitching and crapping

2nd: MUST MUST not show the feminine side of me...

3rd and lastly: Keep more to myself... and don't show my emotions that obviously...(yeah... get the meaning right?)

Happy new year peeps!!!

Perhaps...

Perhaps I should take off my happy-go-lucky mask and be the real me?

Perhaps I should be apathetic to those who are unwilling to learn and not be bothered by them?

Perhaps I should not care other people's feelings and thoughts and be blunt and merciless when speaking to those who do not deserve better treatment?

Perhaps I should keep all matters to myself and not be made known tho the party involved, or even to anybody in the first place?

Or even perhaps I shouldn't come into NTU and rather go take a poly diploma and be working now?

The point being: there are so many choices available to take. But sometimes, the choice taken is not the one that you really want. For example, being nice and repeating the same thing over and over again versus telling the person off in the face and condemn him there and then. It is easier to be a bastard that everyone hates than to be a nice guy where everybody is happy but not yourself (remember the Life stages: You're OK, I'm not OK?). I really wish for the world to explode the next minute so that everything can start anew... Can anyone grant me that wish? Yeah right.. dream on.

Spinning...

My world is spinning now, think I'm having an ultra PMS.. yes you heard it right. PMS. Pre Menstural Syndrome. All my fustrations bottled up for the past few weeks simply erupted during today's training. Stuff about the other trainees who wanted to participate in performances but didn't put in effort to train. With all the stress built up because of schoolwork, it has become too heavy going for me.

On top of that, my fricking leg hurts like hell now.. The hamstring is damn painful, it seems that it will fail me anytime and guess what? Tomorrow I will be going for training AGAIN at src. Tell me. Am I really mad? Am I in NTU for studies or for Wushu only? Life is f***ed up man.. How I really wish that in my next reincarnation I will not be human.. It's too tiring...

Updated with performance pics

Some photos uploaded on yesterday's performance..



group photo..


idiotic face for the idiotic soul.. hahaha


my disciples... hehehe

STUPID COM!!!

Yes.. my laptop crashed AGAIN just after installing SP2. What the hell is this?! I've not downloaded any dubious software nor visited any ambiguious sites. Yet I need to system recover this fricking laptop twice within 1 month. Starting to give up on Acer... Damn..

And I really think I have insufficient rest... Bunked over at Junzhao's place last night, and only till now then I realised that I forgot to bring back my toiletries back Hall 7.. life's never been so screwed up as today..

Performance at Toa Payoh

Performed at Toa Payoh Interchange for LoveBites and in the midst of warming up, I saw Simin! Wow.. never realised she's also performing for the event. What to say? At least she got to see who the person I'm talking about, and she was like, not bad!(if I remember correctly) Did the performances but feedback was like the stage's too small, can't do the moves properly. Poor Raymond, he hurt his knee while doing his performance, but what was heart-warming was that the audience were not that evil to boo him. THANK YOU! Good job people! You've performed a great show, especially my two girls, never panick, or at least from my point of view.

Well later that evening, four of us (the usual 3 plus Erwin) played UNO at her home... poor Erwin, gena "catch" too many times for not saying UNO, or GAME. If not for those forefeit, think he can win at least 5 times... then the 'girl' play also another joke of the day... played 2 Reverse cards with one remaining in her hand but when it came to her turn, she drew at least 10 cards cos' she did not have the corresponding colour of the card... champion... but the best part part of the day. Kinda told her that if she do not mind I can send her back home after training. Guess what? She said"oh never mind, XXX lives near me, he can send me home." Wa... at that point of time think they heard glass shattering.. yeah, my glass heart(in chinese) shattered.. haha just joking... but hmmm, still dare not make too obvious a progress lest scare her away..

In any case, V-day's coming, maybe I shall find an excuse to go training with her on Monday, then can take the next step... keke.. Wish me luck! Gotta stop here, need to do some springclean and later bathe... my CPU in my head now running on too many processes, becoming very(*10) laggy.

PS I think you got the wrong person in your mind, chocolatefingers :)

Hectic day

Had a hectic day... slept from 3.30 to 6.45... don't know exactly remember what kept me busy, but had training in the morning.. After that went to get some posters for the upcoming display.

Well something happened along the way... For the first time I held her hand when helping her cross the drain, and felt a tiny bit happy, cos' it's the first time having physical contact with her... hmmm... cannot get too excited, if not cannot sleep tonight, tomorrow still need to perform. Gotta rest now!

Today's not my day

Well... all is said in the title. Feeling damn tired after rushing from one place to another, sitting through 2 gruelling hours of econs and later some more logistics stuff, I'm really tired... But I cannot rest. I still have other stuff to do.

O Lord, hear my pleas.... please set 1 day to 48 hours, and strengthen my body so that I only need 7 hours of sleep for that 1 day...

Amen

Anyway this is one song which I feel like dedicating to right now...

恋 爱节奏 王心凌

凌晨一点醒来的时候 幻想你能在我的左右
开车去兜风 感觉自由享 受所有的 恋爱节奏
大声宣布牵着你的手 心中有种奇妙的感受
想说爱你总开不了口 只能怪自己勇气不够
好想能拥有 缠绵的温柔 意犹还未尽 舍不得放手

让我在乎你心中的感受 躺在你的臂弯我期待已久
想要和你去看神秘宇宙 灿烂星空角落我们一起守候
我会在乎你心中的感受 压抑不了对你思念忧愁
不知不觉掉进恋爱宇宙 我的世界就有了你 已经足够

RAP：开始听嘻哈节奏 跟着你的快慢交错
该说什么话怎么说 口味是否相同
走过去牵你的手和我跳恋爱节奏
一切都还只是想象我还站在原地不动

你什么时候 才能认得出是我曾经在梦里 和你漫游宇宙的我
我相信你心里面会有感应和热情 流星划过就是相遇的时候

Total waste of time...

Wasted 2 hours just to get 2 fricking boxes of Ricola sweets for CEC stuff... had to skip my Maths 2 lecture(the topic that I suck at the most besides Data Structure) and in the end, what do I get? Nothing except my shirt stinking of my perspiration from walking under the hot sun...

Mood swings...

Not exactly the type that is related to girls... but more because of the comments from one person, who told me that he doesn't wish to miss his lecture...

Look, it is not as if I WANT to miss my lecture also, OK?! I'm more screwed in that topic than HE is, and yet I'm prepared to skip it because of my commitment to CEC Logistics. Saying so much of not wishing to skip and what are we doing now? Taking our time to eat and now the time is already 1.20pm...... what the hell is this?!

Idiot!!!

Who ask you to be so itchy-handed to post comments? HUH? See for yourself, moron, how much time it is to cover all your tracks and in the end, you get one url link that is TOTALLY NOT YOUR CHOICE!!!!

Ass hole...

Whoo Hoo!!!

Finally... after almost 10 days of banging head and whatever I can bang, my lab 2 is finally up and running almost perfectly... well, at least almost.. Anyway chatted with her just now, and on the way dropped some hints.. but in a way told her that i WILL take care of my school work before handling stuff that needs more commitment...(yeah, got the hint??)Well hopefully she got it and well for the time being, all's well and now, back to logic lab 2...

First entry...

This is my first ever entry... you can say that this blog will reflect quite a lot of my daily stuffs and feelings...There will be more posts to come as the days go by...That's it for now!