Some reflections...

First of all, had my Logic Design exam earlier this afternoon, and only 1 word can describe it. BAD. Very bad. Apparently what I've mugged for the past 2 days couldn't be applied at all, so guess that I'll be taking this subject again for the next academic year. Low morale.

Had a talk with one of my close friends(hopefully I have the honour of using this term) about my recent stuff. Well, guess after the long 45 minutes talk, it seems that I really care, albeit too much, about my friends around me. My intentions are good, but it is this idiotic mouth of me that sometimes put things in a real bad shape. Which is really screwing me upside down right now. I admit that most of the time I try to put bad things in a much better light to encourage the person, be it in Wushu or other stuff. But I realised that I forgot one main point: other people have different dreams and aspirations. What I'm doing right now is akin to forcing my ideas upon the other person. In the process, the action pisses the person off, and at the same time fustrating myself. So what's the point of doing so? People change to adapt to the environment without losing the true nature of themselves. But I have failed miserably in this area.

I change myself to the environment, yet failing to retain my true self. Yet, when sometimes little things snowball into one huge avalanche and the catalyst is lit up, things gets blown out of proportion. Result? People get pissed off with me, I get to confirm my twisted sense of friendship and in the end, friends around me start to leave one by one. True, I dare say that I can survive without friends, but when I take a step back and view the entire occurence, I can conclude only one thing. People can accept me, the friend who knows what to say and how to put things in a better shape and tone when it gets screwed. Not me, who screws the person, directly or indirectly, so as to let them know that the outside world is not as perfect or as nice as what they think. There are much, much worse bastards out there who can be goddamn nice to you yet be a bloody backstabber behind you.

I rather be hated now then to let them learn the hard way in the outside world. Yet nobody seems to be able to comprehend my actions until I tell them the reasons for doing so. Is it true that people will only know what is pain when they have gone through it? Apparently so. Well, at least for this time, I know that things are really in a very bad shape. It is said that cracks in friendship takes time to heal, but my question is:

1. Will it ever heal and
2. In the event of such things occuring, what would my actions be?

A friend who can put things in a much better light or a bastard who says what comes naturally to the mind and as a result screw things even more? And let them know that hey, I'm actually such a person and not always the friend that you thought I was?

At least for this incident, it is a good time for me to take a step back and look at myself and my actions. Should I be, in future, really myself and let my friends around me to know and let them decide whether I'm still worthy of the friendship? Or the friend that they have wanted to get to know and as a result, put my true self into a plastic bag and throw it into the deepest waters in the ocean? Seriously, I can't find the answer as of now.