Wonder

Am I really doing what I'm kinda 'not supposed' to do? I believed in the past that for me to do anything, I've gotta give my best shot and at least, do the person proud that he/she have such a student/friend.

Apparently I'm wrong. Big time. In some instances, people do not really 'expect' me to have the reaction that I thought they wanted. For example. One can keep complaining about some problems. But when I offer help, they reject it. So is that a hint that I should turn a deaf ear to whatever they complain about? I've tried doing that before, but I failed miserably. The only thing I can do is to literally turn a deaf ear(with a blind eye thrown in) or in some instances, chastise the person about the behaviour that gets on the nerves.

Seriously, a part of me really feel like giving it up in view of the current situation. Yet, another part of me knows that the expectancy to get back is, at least to me, very great. I'm in another catch-22 situation that I find myself often stuck in. To say or not to say? To call or not to call? To go or not to go? Damn it. I simply feel so fucking fustrated and helpless. Yet, I can't really complain, cos' many a time I allowed myself to be like that. To analyse every step and take the seemingly most logical route. Only to find myself taking the downright worst road after the first step. For me, turning back is not a choice. Apparently, 'turning back' does not exist in my voabulary.

Geez. I guess the only being that knows my innermost feelings is nobody other than God. I'm not a Christian per se, but I believe His existence. As quoted:


"Who is God?"

"When you want something real badly and you close your eyes and pray, He's the one who ignores you"


Perhaps yes, perhaps no. I do know that I have to 'get out of it', like what one of my friends say, but I badly need the strength to do so. Not that I'm bloody weak, more so when I get flashbacks. Of course, I can't keep living in the past and discard the present and future. But I do need a pillar of strength. It's not like that chap's not enough. Yeah, he's good at listening, but guess I need more. In the sense of a girl who is there whom I can pour my heart out, whilst she's there listening and offering advice as well as a good scolding when I deserved it. I can't possibly keep bugging HER about my problems. Seriously, who am I to her? Just another normal friend to her. She too has her fair share with her problems as well. I can't give her extra problems when she's trying her best to sort out her life as well.

*lost for words*

Whatever. This long windbag shall just keep it shut and not do excess stuff.